As a therapist working exclusively with the subconscious mind, one of the most profound truths I’ve come to understand is that our subconscious mind is always working toward two primary goals: to feel safe and to feel good.
This instinctual drive shapes our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, often without us even realizing it. While this mechanism is essential for survival and well-being, it can also lead us into complex emotional patterns—particularly in our relationships.
The Subconscious Mind’s Quest for Safety and Comfort
The subconscious mind is like a guardian, constantly scanning our environment for threats, both real and perceived. It craves stability and familiarity, which it equates with safety. When we feel emotionally secure, our subconscious relaxes, allowing us to connect with others and experience joy. Conversely, when we perceive danger—whether it’s conflict, rejection, or uncertainty—our subconscious may activate defense mechanisms to protect us.
But here’s the catch: the subconscious doesn’t distinguish between physical and emotional threats. A partner’s silence, a misunderstood text, or a difference in priorities can trigger the same protective responses as more tangible dangers. This is why unresolved issues in relationships can feel so overwhelming; they touch on our deepest need for safety.
The Role of Inner Narratives in Filling Emotional Gaps
When our relationships don’t fully meet our needs, our subconscious mind often steps in to bridge the gap. One way it does this is through what I’d call inner narratives. These are the stories we tell ourselves, often subconsciously, to fill in the missing pieces and create a sense of comfort. Our minds naturally seek to make sense of the world around us, and when we encounter ambiguity or unmet needs in our relationships, our inner narratives step in to provide explanations and ease the discomfort.
For example, if there’s a lack of open communication in a relationship, we might find ourselves focusing on the potential of what could be said—words of love, understanding, or validation that align with our desires. If physical intimacy is lacking, we might internally create a sense of closeness by envisioning what that connection would feel like. These mental constructs can act as emotional placeholders, helping us maintain hope and stability within the relationship.
This mechanism also shows up when dating. Some people feel like they just can’t connect with others, repeatedly choosing partners who aren’t truly aligned with them or putting up walls that prevent intimacy. Often, this isn’t conscious—it’s the subconscious mind stepping in to protect them from potential hurt by steering them toward situations that feel safer, even if they aren’t fulfilling. In this way, the mind’s protective strategies can create patterns that keep people from experiencing genuine connection, masking fear as “incompatibility” or “bad luck” in love.
While this mechanism can provide temporary relief and even inspire us to seek what we truly need, it can also create challenges. When we rely too heavily on these internal narratives, we may avoid addressing the real gaps in the relationship, delaying important conversations and preventing genuine growth.
Why We Avoid Difficult Conversations
Our reluctance to address unmet needs often stems from fear —fear of conflict, fear of being misunderstood, or fear of losing the relationship altogether. The subconscious mind, ever vigilant in its quest for safety, might convince us that it’s better to avoid the issue than to risk destabilizing the relationship. But this avoidance comes at a cost. Over time, the emotional gaps grow wider, and the temporary comfort provided by our inner narratives may lead to frustration, resentment, or disconnection.
Moving Towards Authentic Connection
The key to overcoming these patterns lies in understanding and working with our subconscious mind, rather than against it. Here are some steps to foster deeper connection and fulfillment in your relationships:
- Work with Your Subconscious: By working with your subconscious, you can uncover the root cause of limiting beliefs and patterns. Using practices that address these origins and releasing trauma allows you to reframe these influences, creating lasting change that supports your growth and well-being.
- Acknowledge Your Needs: Take time to reflect on what’s truly missing in your relationship. What emotional needs are going unmet? What internal narratives have you created to fill those gaps?
- Create a Safe Space for Dialogue: Approach your partner with curiosity and compassion, rather than blame. Share your feelings and needs in a way that invites understanding and collaboration.
- Reframe Conflict as Growth: Remember that conflict isn’t inherently dangerous; it’s an opportunity to deepen your connection. When approached with mutual respect, difficult conversations can lead to greater intimacy and trust.
- Embrace Vulnerability: True connection requires vulnerability. Allowing yourself to be seen and heard—even in your moments of fear or uncertainty—is one of the most courageous acts of love.
Final Thoughts on the Creative Mind
Our subconscious mind is a powerful ally, always striving to protect and nurture us.
Its creativity can be a source of profound healing when we work with it. However, if we don’t consciously engage with it, that same creativity can take different paths—often creating patterns or narratives aimed at making us feel safe, even if they no longer serve us. By understanding its role in our relationships, we can move beyond these inner narratives and avoidance, creating connections that are not only safe but also deeply fulfilling.
Remember, the journey to authentic love and connection begins within. When we learn to create our own safety and meet our own needs with compassion and courage, we create the foundation for healthier, more harmonious relationships.