Working with people who are going through or have been through emotional or narcissistic abuse is something I care deeply about, because it is far more common than most people realise.
Many people come to therapy feeling confused, anxious, emotionally drained, or doubting themselves, without having clear words for what they have been living through. Often, it is during the sessions, as patterns begin to emerge, that they begin to recognise the dynamics of narcissistic abuse in their lives.
Narcissistic abuse can feel like an invisible trap. Many people ask themselves again and again, “Why did I stay? Why didn’t I leave sooner?”. The answer lies in how our brains, bodies, and emotions respond to prolonged stress and trauma. Understanding this is not just comforting, it is empowering. It shows that staying is rarely a conscious or careless choice, but the result of deep, automatic survival responses designed to protect us.
How It Hooks Us
Narcissistic abuse often starts in a way that feels good. A partner may shower you with attention, compliments, and promises—the classic “love bombing.” Then, little by little, criticism, manipulation, and control creep in.
This back-and-forth creates what psychologists call intermittent reinforcement. It’s the same mechanism that makes people addicted to gambling—the unpredictability keeps us engaged, even when it’s harmful. Your body keeps looking for those rare moments of reward or relief, even though most of the time you feel hurt or unsafe.
Why Our Brains Keep Us Stuck
Your brain is designed to protect you, not to keep you happy. When you live with emotional abuse, your system learns one main job: stay alert and try to avoid more harm.
Over time, your body gets used to danger mixed with occasional warmth. This creates confusion inside you. You can know being with someone is unsafe, and still notice your body relaxing for a moment when their mood softens. Not because they are safe — but because your nervous system is trained to watch closely for small signs of relief, calm, or approval.
Your body is responding to relief from tension, not to real safety.
So even small changes in the abuser’s mood can create strong reactions in you. A smile, a softer tone, or a brief kind moment can feel like relief after tension. Your body relaxes for a second — and that relief can feel powerful when you’ve been living in stress.
This is not love.
This is your nervous system responding to contrast: tension → brief relief → tension again.
Example: Maria knew her partner hurts her. Most of the time, she felt tense around him. But when he suddenly smiled or was kind, her body relaxed for a moment. Not because she trusted him — but because the tension dropped. That brief feeling of relief made her body hope the danger had passed, even though her mind knew the pattern would return.
Early Attachment Shapes Adult Patterns
How we relate to others is deeply influenced by childhood. If you grew up with caregivers who were inconsistent, controlling, emotionally unavailable, or only loving when you were “good”, your nervous system learned powerful rules about connection: love is unpredictable, approval must be earned, and your needs may be too much.
In adult life, this can make narcissistic relationships feel familiar—even when they are harmful. Some people tolerate manipulation because chaos feels normal. Others stay because they learned to be the “good one”: the one who adapts, keeps the peace, doesn’t complain, and carries the emotional weight of the relationship.
Example: Tom grew up with a father who praised him one day and shamed him the next. He learned to stay alert and work harder for approval. As an adult, he was drawn to partners who repeated that pattern. Part of him kept trying to be good enough to finally feel chosen, even when the relationship was hurting him.
The Body Remembers
Trauma is not just in your mind; it’s in your body. Chronic stress from abuse keeps your nervous system on high alert, flooding your body with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. This can cause insomnia, digestive issues, tension in your muscles, and a constant sense of anxiety.
From a somatic or energy perspective, emotional abuse can feel like blocks in your personal energy. Your sense of self, your confidence, and your boundaries can feel scattered or weak. Healing requires addressing both the brain and body—releasing tension, retraining your nervous system, and reclaiming your energy.
Example: After years with a controlling partner, Sofia felt her chest tighten and her stomach knot whenever she thought about asserting herself. It wasn’t just emotional—it was a physical imprint of trauma that needed attention.
Why Leaving Feels Impossible
All these factors—neurology, attachment history, and bodily responses—combine into something called trauma bonding. This is when your nervous system, emotions, and thoughts are entangled in the relationship, making leaving feel nearly impossible.
Even small gestures of kindness or affection from the abuser can trigger a strong emotional response, creating hope and attachment despite repeated harm. It’s not weakness; it’s biology.
Example: Every time James’s partner apologised after an outburst, he felt a rush of relief and connection. His brain remembered the “reward,” even though the relationship was unsafe. Over time, these tiny moments kept him returning, hoping for stability that never came.
Real-Life Stories: Archetypal Survivors
To make the psychology tangible, here are six archetypal personalities often caught in narcissistic abuse.
1. The Caretaker: Always Responsible for Others
Background: Emma grew up in a family where she had to manage her siblings’ emotions and her parents’ moods. Love was conditional—if she “behaved,” she was rewarded; if she didn’t, she was criticised.
In a relationship: Her narcissistic partner criticised her constantly but occasionally praised her in ways that mirrored the attention she craved as a child. She stayed because leaving felt like failing at her “responsibility.”
Aha moment: She realised she had been conditioned to survive by prioritising others’ needs over her own—and leaving wasn’t selfish, it was reclaiming her life.
2. The Anxious Attachment: Fear of Abandonment
Background: James had a childhood marked by inconsistent caregiving: praise one day, neglect the next.
In a relationship: His partner’s highs and lows mirrored his childhood. Every affectionate gesture gave him hope, every argument triggered panic. Leaving felt impossible because he feared losing the small moments of connection.
Aha moment: Staying wasn’t proof of love—it was his nervous system repeating old survival patterns. Understanding that freed him to leave.
3. The High Achiever: Chasing Approval
Background: Sophia thrived on achievement and external validation. Childhood love was conditional: success earned praise, mistakes brought criticism.
In a relationship: Her narcissistic partner criticised her work, appearance, and choices but occasionally rewarded her with approval. She stayed, hoping she could “fix” the relationship and finally earn unconditional love.
Aha moment: Chasing approval was a lifelong pattern; leaving the relationship was freedom, not failure.
4. The Avoidant / Independent Type: Stubbornly Self-Reliant
Background: Alex valued independence and rarely leaned on others. Childhood experiences taught him that emotional needs weren’t safe to express.
In a relationship: He tolerated emotional abuse because intermittent connection felt enough, and leaving would mean facing emotional emptiness he wasn’t ready to handle.
Aha moment: He realised staying wasn’t about weakness, but about his nervous system trying to find a familiar—but unsafe—form of attachment.
5. The People-Pleaser / Empath: Absorbing the Other
Background: Lily was highly intuitive and sensitive, always putting others’ emotions before her own.
In a relationship: Her narcissistic partner’s moods dictated hers. She stayed because helping or “fixing” him made her feel valued, even as it drained her completely.
Aha moment: She realised she wasn’t responsible for “fixing” another person—and that protecting her own energy was an act of self-love, not selfishness.
6. The Low-Self-Esteem / Identity Lost
Background: Mark never felt confident or “enough” as a child. He often ignored his own desires to avoid criticism or conflict.
In a relationship: His narcissistic partner criticised and dismissed him constantly. Leaving felt impossible because he had lost touch with his own identity, not knowing who he was outside the relationship.
Aha moment: He realised that staying had less to do with love and more to do with never learning to trust himself. Rebuilding his sense of self made leaving feel not just possible, but necessary.
Changing How You Respond with Transformational Hypnotherapy
True change doesn’t just come from leaving a relationship or setting boundaries—it happens by addressing the subconscious patterns that keep you stuck. I help people do this through the power of transformational hypnotherapy, working directly with the mind, body, and nervous system to release old trauma, retrain automatic responses, and restore energy and self-worth.
- Uncovering subconscious patterns: identify the hidden inner beliefs that are driving your reactions, so you understand why you stayed and stop blaming yourself.
- Releasing stored tension and fear: Through guided regression at the root of your issues and story, we can allow your body and nervous system to release trauma safely, helping anxiety, tension, or panic responses calm down.
- Transforming limiting beliefs: You’ll challenge the false messages from the abuser and replace them with empowering truths, such as “I am not the problem”.
- Rebuilding boundaries and self-respect: By strengthening your sense of personal space, energy, and self-worth, so you can respond from choice, not fear or habit.
- Integrating mind, body, and energy: By addressing all levels of your being, helping you feel safe, grounded, and in control of your life.
The Path Forward
Staying in a narcissistic relationship is rarely about weakness—it’s about survival instincts, early conditioning, and the body’s memory of trauma. Understanding these forces gives you clarity, compassion for yourself, and a clear path to transformation.
Recovery is about reconnecting with yourself, reclaiming your boundaries, and retraining your brain and body to recognise safety and self-worth. When the mind, body, and energy align, leaving is no longer a question—it becomes a natural step toward freedom and authentic living.
References
- Villiers, H., & McKenna, K. (2020). You Are Not the Problem: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse.
- Durvasula, R. (2017). Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist.
- Durvasula, R. (2022). It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People.
- van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.
- Porges, S. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation.
Disclaimer: All names, examples and stories in this article are fictional and used for illustration only. They are not based on real people or real client experiences. Any resemblance to actual people or situations is purely coincidental.