Working with people who are in—or coming out of—emotional and narcissistic abuse is something I take seriously.
Because it’s far more common than people think.
Most people don’t walk in saying, “I’ve been in a narcissistic relationship”.
They come in saying:
- “I feel anxious”.
- “I’m exhausted”.
- “I don’t trust myself anymore”.
And underneath that, there’s confusion.
Because they’ve been living something they don’t yet have words for.
And as we start to look at patterns, it becomes clear.
Why People Stay (And Why That Question Is Misleading)
One of the first things people ask themselves is:
“Why did I stay?”
“Why didn’t I leave sooner?”
That question is already coming from the wrong place.
Because it assumes this was a conscious, rational choice.
It wasn’t.
What’s happening is deeper.
Your brain, your body, and your nervous system are adapting to prolonged stress.
Understanding that gives you back control.
How It Hooks You In
These relationships don’t start badly.
They start well.
- Attention.
- Affection.
- Intensity.
- Future promises.
What people call “love bombing”.
Then, slowly, things shift.
- Criticism.
- Control.
- Subtle manipulation.
And then, just enough warmth again to keep you there.
This is intermittent reinforcement.
The same mechanism behind gambling addiction.
You’re not staying because it’s good.
You’re staying because it’s unpredictable and that gives you hope.
What Your Body Is Actually Responding To
This is where people get confused.
They say:
“But I felt something real”.
Yes you did!
But not what you think.
Your body is not responding to safety. It’s responding to relief.
Tension → brief kindness → tension again.
That drop in tension, where they soften?
Your system reads that as: “Something just improved”.
Not: “This person is safe”.
And that hat changes everything.
Example: Maria knew her partner hurts her. Most of the time, she felt tense around him. But when he suddenly smiled or was kind, her body relaxed for a moment. Not because she trusted him — but because the tension dropped. That brief feeling of relief made her body hope the danger had passed, even though her mind knew the pattern would return.
Why Your Brain Keeps You There
Your brain is not designed to make you happy.
It’s designed to keep you alive.
So in an abusive dynamic, it simplifies things down to one job:
Stay alert. Avoid more harm.
Over time, something else happens.
You get used to:
- tension
- unpredictability
- small moments of relief
And that combination creates internal confusion.
You can know something is wrong—and still feel pulled towards it.
That’s not weakness, but conditioning.
Early Patterns Don’t Disappear—They Repeat
If you grew up with:
- inconsistency
- emotional withdrawal
- conditional love
- control
Then your system learned:
- love is unstable
- approval must be earned
- your needs are secondary
So when a similar dynamic appears in adulthood, it doesn’t feel unfamiliar. It feels normal.
Even if it hurts.
Example: Tom grew up with a father who praised him one day and shamed him the next. He learned to stay alert and work harder for approval. As an adult, he was drawn to partners who repeated that pattern. Part of him kept trying to be good enough to finally feel chosen, even when the relationship was hurting him.
The Body Doesn’t Forget
This is not just psychological, it’s also physiological.
Long-term emotional stress keeps your system activated:
- cortisol
- adrenaline
- muscle tension
- disrupted sleep
- constant background anxiety
Your body is living in a state of anticipation.
From a somatic perspective, people often describe it as:
“I feel blocked.”
“I feel disconnected.”
“I don’t feel like myself anymore.”
That’s Implicit Memory—stored experience in the body.
Example: After years with a controlling partner, Sofia felt her chest tighten and her stomach knot whenever she thought about asserting herself. It wasn’t just emotional—it was a physical imprint of trauma that needed attention.
Why Leaving Feels So Hard
When all of this combines, you get what’s called a trauma bond.
And this is where people judge themselves the most.
“I should have left.”
“I knew better.”
But here’s the reality:
Your system is attached, not just emotionally—but neurologically.
Even small moments of kindness trigger:
- relief
- hope
- reconnection
And your brain remembers those moments more than the pain.
Example: Every time James’s partner apologised after an outburst, he felt a rush of relief and connection. His brain remembered the “reward,” even though the relationship was unsafe. Over time, these tiny moments kept him returning, hoping for stability that never came.
The Patterns I See Most Often
These aren’t random.
There are clear patterns in the people who stay.
- The Caretaker. Takes responsibility for everyone else. Learned early that love comes from managing others. Stays because leaving feels like failing. Turning point: Realising that staying is not responsibility—it’s self-abandonment.
- The Anxious Attachment. Fears abandonment more than discomfort. Pulled in by highs and lows. Stays for the moments of connection. Turning point: Understanding that this isn’t love—it’s a nervous system loop.
- The High Achiever. Tries to earn love through effort. Believes: “If I do enough, it will work”. Stays trying to fix what cannot be fixed. Turning point: Seeing that approval is not the same as love.
- The Avoidant / Independent. Doesn’t rely on others easily. Tolerates emotional distance. Stays because leaving means facing emptiness. Turning point: Recognising that independence has been a protection, not freedom.
- The People-Pleaser / Empath. Feels responsible for others’ emotions. Absorbs everything. Stays because helping feels like purpose. Turning point: Understanding that you cannot heal someone who is harming you.
- The Lost Self. Low self-worth. No clear identity. Stays because they don’t know who they are outside the relationship. Turning point: Realising the relationship didn’t break them—it revealed what was already fragile.
Why Insight Alone Doesn’t Change This
This is where most approaches fall short.
You can understand all of this.
You can see the pattern clearly.
And still feel stuck.
Because this is not just a thinking problem.
It’s a nervous system pattern.
How Hypnotherapy Changes the Pattern
This is the level where real change happens.
Not by forcing behaviour—but by changing the internal response.
Through transformational hypnotherapy, we work at the level where the pattern actually lives.
- Uncovering subconscious patterns. So you stop asking “What’s wrong with me?” and start seeing what’s been driving you.
- Releasing stored tension and fear. So your body no longer reacts as if the threat is still present.
- Transforming limiting beliefs like
- “I’m not enough”
- “It’s my fault”
- “I have to earn love”
- Rebuilding boundaries and self-respect. So your responses come from choice—not conditioning.
- Integrating mind, body, and energy. So you feel stable, grounded, and clear again.
What You Need to Hear
Staying was not weakness.
It was adaptation.
But staying after you see the pattern, that’s where responsibility begins.
The Way Forward
Recovery is not just about leaving.
It’s about:
- reconnecting with yourself
- rebuilding internal safety
- retraining your system to recognise what is actually safe
Because when that shift happens, you don’t have to force yourself to leave.
It becomes the only option that makes sense.
References
- Villiers, H., & McKenna, K. (2020). You Are Not the Problem: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse.
- Durvasula, R. (2017). Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist.
- Durvasula, R. (2022). It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People.
- van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.
- Porges, S. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation.
Disclaimer: All names, examples and stories in this article are fictional and used for illustration only. They are not based on real people or real client experiences. Any resemblance to actual people or situations is purely coincidental.